Handpicked from Heaven

I've imagined many times what I will feel when Ellie finally learns how to say her brother's name. Other than her giggles and laughs, that will be the sweetest sound. It's going to be such a beautiful moment that I'm going to be able to cherish forever. It will be such a blessed day when I can sit down with Ellie and we can talk about Hayes and how much he loves us and watches over us daily.

I look at her and know that Hayes had something to do with choosing her for us. I can see him with Jesus discussing who he wanted to send to us from Heaven. Hayes and Jesus hand-picked such a perfect little one for us to call our daughter. Sometimes it's hard to think about the fact that without Hayes going through what he went through, we wouldn't have our Ellie here with us. In a way, Hayes sacrificed his life, to bring Ellie to his parents. What and amazing brother she has in Heaven!

Ellie Marie with her best friend, Wrett, who also has a brother named Wyatt in Heaven.
 

Second walk to celebrate our fighter

As a way to celebrate Hayes and his fight well fought, we will continue to raise funds for March of Dimes. This coming April we will walk in our second March for Babies, and Cody and I know that we will take part in this yearly. Our family was touched by the efforts of the NICU nurses and doctors, and March of Dimes supports the families in the NICU. Whether it's the medicine that has been researched and discovered, holding events like Donuts for Dads on Father's Day, or just providing a meal for families who are fighting alongside their babies, March of Dimes makes a difference. Our family will always be advocates for this foundation.

www.marchforbabies.org/angelhayes

We have designed a shirt that is available for purchase until February 20th of 2015, through Booster.com . This will also serve as a way to honor Hayes and his steadfast fight of 11 hours and 11 minutes and to share our family motto of "Hayes Tough" with everyone. All proceeds made from the purchase of this shirt will go directly to our March for Babies 2015 team. Please join us in honoring our Hayes and let's show the world together what it means to be Hayes Tough.

www.booster.com/hayestough

Hayes is listening

Over the past few months, I've noticed that I have not seen as many Hayes tinted moments as I/we once were. Those moments would brighten my day and they always seemed to show themselves when I needed them the most.

Two weeks ago, as I was sitting in Hayes' nursery, I asked him if he could start sending me my Hayes tinted moments again. I missed them, almost as much as I miss him daily.

Well, of course my little man was listening. Since that moment two weeks ago Hayes has given me five Hayes tinted moments and two of them were moments that were shown to friends, which they shared with me.

I think I enjoy the tinted moments he gives my friends the most. It lets me know that not only are my dear friends thinking about my sweet boy, but he is watching over them as well in that very moment. I believe all the moments he gives me is just a reminder that he will never leave us. He's always listening and always near.

The first one came while I was walking around Target. It's always somewhat hard to go to Target because that is one of the places I registered for gifts when I was pregnant with Hayes. Gifts he never got to play with. As my mind began to wander, my sweet friend from high school sent me this picture.

She said she was thinking about Hayes and when she looked at the car in front of her, the license plate said it all.

The second came from my fellow Baylor soccer teammate, whom I call BFF, and as she was registering her daughter for her first soccer league, a name on the roster looked quite familiar.

All such beautiful moments sent from above with love. All from a little boy who loves his family and their friends more than words can express. All from a little boy who hears his Mom and sends her little reminders when she needs them the most that he isn't far away. I thank Jesus for letting these Hayes moments shine through.

Who would he have become?

I spoke to my husband about this on our way home from dinner the other night. This question has popped into my head so many times over the last several months. As a school teacher, I'm surrounded by kids all day. As I look out upon my class, I begin to wonder, "Who would Hayes have acted like?" "Who would he have been friends with?" "Would he be athletic?" . "Would he have been an A+ student, or would he have had a learning disability since he was born so early and battled so hard?" These questions have swirled and swirled and have been creeping into the forefront of my mind

We'll never know the answer to these questions. And I've come to determine, that's okay. Jesus knows who Hayes would have become, and I believe he gets to become that little boy in Heaven.

I also wonder, how old will Hayes be in Heaven when he meets us at the gates? Cody and I talk about this often, and we've decided he will be the age Jesus needs him to be for us. How do we imagine him? I see him as a little boy, possibly five or six. He has blonde hair and the sweetest smile I've ever seen. He can throw and kick a ball, just like he would have done with us in the front yard. I see him as a playful little boy full of wonder.

I've always loved the MercyMe song, I Can Only Imagine. The first time I ever heard this song was while I was attending Chapel at Baylor my freshman year. I was so caught up in the song that tears welled up in my eyes and I got chills because these were the most beautiful lyrics I had ever heard with such a powerful message. Every time I have heard it since that morning in Chapel way back in '02, I do imagine meeting Jesus for the very first time. Now, this song also hits me in a new way. I still imagine meeting Jesus, but I also begin to imagine seeing my baby boy again. The first two verses speak to me...

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

While I'm still hear on this Earth, all I can do is imagine. What will it be like to feel Hayes' hand fit into mine and walk through Heaven with him by my side? What will his precious little face look like when we're reunited for the first time? I told Cody about this several months ago and on Christmas this year, he finally told me what he envisions when he now hears this song.

When he gets to Heaven, Jesus sits him down on a bench while this song plays. Cody can see Hayes playing in a field with out sweet dog, Buddy Lee. Cody wants to run to him, but Jesus tells him to wait because he wants to show him something. He shows Cody a type of slideshow that reveals to him everything Hayes has done and accomplished since he came to be with Jesus on August 9, 2013. Jesus also shows Cody Hayes' reactions to many of the things that we did on Earth since he passed, like how he reacted when he saw us hold his baby sister for the first time. He doesn't know how long the slideshow lasts, but he says it's a good while because there were so many things that we all did. Then, at the end of the slideshow, Jesus asks Cody if he's ready to hold his son again and when Cody replies yes, Jesus calls Hayes' name. When Hayes looks up, he knows Cody is his Daddy and runs over to him and jumps into his arms.

We both can only imagine.

An older brother's protection

As I get older, I look back and am so thankful that I had and still have such a loving older brother. My brother, Ben, has always taken care of me and in a sense, has been my all time bodyguard. As long as I can remember, he's been my protector. When a little boy at daycare stole my pillow, Ben made sure he got it back for me and that little boy knew not to take my pillow again. Our parents divorced when I was a baby and Ben was four and when we would go to my Dad's for the summer, my Mom made it a point to tell Ben to take good care of me. When I'd get scared of the dark, he'd let me fall asleep in his room. When a boy broke my heart, he was always there with a consoling hug and let me know that it was that guys loss. He taught me how to love the game of soccer and taught me how to be tough on the field. He had to sit in the back seat with me and keep me calm after I broke my arm and my mom was driving to the hospital like crazy, as she should in that situation. I was a freshman in high school when Ben was a senior. He'd always let me tag along with him. Not many brothers would let their bratty little sister tag along, but mine did.

I've always told God that I wanted a little boy first and then a little girl so she'd have a brother to always protect and look after her just as my brother did for me. There is nothing like an older brother's love for a sister. God has heard my prayers ever since I was a little girl. My husband and I were blessed to have a little girl, Ellie Marie, on August 12th, 2014, exactly one year and four days after our Hayes was born and soon became our angel. As I now hold my daughter sleeping, I can't help but think about how she DOES have an older brother like I have. Hayes is in Heaven watching over his little sister and protecting her. I know he's going to help Jesus guide her steps, and she'll never be afraid because her older brother will always be there for her, just like Ben has been for me. 

I am so thankful and blessed that God gave me Ben and am even more thankful that God gave Ellie her older brother, Hayes; her very own personal bodyguard. It will be a sweet sight to witness as her love for Hayes grows with each passing day. 

The day we welcomed our baby girl to our family.

Our angel turns one

Today is our little man's one year birthday. I am writing this at the exact moment our Hayes entered this world. As I sit and collect my thoughts about everything that took place one year ago, I can only smile knowing that our son was born. We were blessed, even if it were for a short period of time, with the most amazing little boy a Mom and Dad could ask for. 

It seems like yesterday I was holding Hayes in my arms and kissing his precious little face. I remember my tears of joy falling on his face when I held him for the first time.

We've made it through a lot of firsts that I didn't know how we'd make it through. Cody's birthday only 21 days after we lost our son, first day back to our jobs, Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, the beginning of 2014 and our anniversary. Those days were hard knowing our baby boy wasn't with us, but we made it through with the strength of Jesus and with the knowledge that our Hayes was celebrating those days with us, only in Heaven. 

Jesus is throwing Hayes such an extravagant party for a one year old in Heaven. His loved ones are surrounding him, and his Daddy and me will celebrate his birthday here on earth. 

Happy 1 Year Birthday Baby Hayes! Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you and we are standing Hayes Tough today, as we will every single day here on out. I love you Hayes Lee Hall!

Our new family motto

Anyone can walk into our house and find the tv on ESPN at any given time. We are just a sports family. Soccer and baseball are the favorites, but we watch anything competitive related to sports. We also enjoy the inspiring stories that occur each day in the world of sports. People, young and old, are always overcoming something in the sports world. Each story can tug at your heart strings and make you grateful for where you are at in life.

On Father's Day, Sportscenter had a segment that covered Jim Kelly's battle with cancer. Cody was especially locked in because he is a huge Buffalo Bills fan. He grew up watching Jim Kelly. He was one of his heroes.(I can still see a tear in his eye when you bring up any loss to the Cowboys in the Super Bowl.)

Well, in this broadcast, Jim Kelly's oldest daughter was being interviewed about her Father's fight and determination to beat this terrible disease. It was so touching to see her love for her father. At one point she began talking about what her Dad would tell her anytime she was struggling. He would tell her to be "Kelly Tough". When she heard this, she knew she could give it her best fight.

My wheels immediately start churning and I turned to Cody and asked if we could start using, "Hall strong". He one upped me and replied, "We should use Hayes tough". My heart melted. It was beautiful and it just fits. Hayes is the toughest little man that we know. He never stopped fighting. There was no fear in his beautiful little blue eyes. I imagine the word quit would have never been in his vocabulary. 

Hayes tough. What a beautiful family motto. Any time I might be struggling or having a bad day, I'll remind myself to be Hayes tough. We may have borrowed it from the Kelly family, but the sentiment holds the same truth. We all have to be tough and get back up if we get knocked down. I know this is what our little boy would want us to do. Be Hayes tough.

Our testimony

Cody and I were invited to come back to the church I went to in Mansfield, to share our story and testimony with the congregation. We jumped at the opportunity that God was putting in front of us. We've always said since the beginning that we will share Hayes' story when the moment arises. It doesn't have to be in a church setting every single time; it might be with a stranger that asks us if we have children or even a co-worker.

As we drove to Mansfield, our nervousness was beginning to peak it's little head out. We'd been practicing what we wanted to say for weeks, but I am not much of a public speaker and I didn't want to do a poor job with such an important story. The sermon started and a few songs into the music, the band began to play, Oceans. I knew right then and there that we were going to be just fine because Hayes was giving us that little piece of extra confidence that we needed. Like I've said before, he's always there when we need him the most.

We were given our cue to step up on the stage and we hit the ground running. There were moments that I had to gather myself because I couldn't help but start crying when I began to speak about how hard Hayes fought. Such a big fight in such a tiny little body. Even now, just thinking about how strong he is, brings tears to my eyes. We spoke for close to twenty minutes, and as we finished, a sense of peace came over me. I asked Cody afterwards if he felt the same feeling, and he said yes. He said it was extremely healing to share our testimony. God gives us a testimony for a reason. So we can share how great he truly is. I encourage anyone of you who may be reading this blog, who has gone through the loss of a child, or even any type of struggle, to share your story. You don't know how many people's hearts will be open to what you have to say and even begin their own journey of healing because of you.

Sharing our testimony with Community of Hope

 

Here is the link to watch and hear our testimony:

 

http://vimeo.com/97259202


My morning angel

Each morning I drive to school, I get a little reminder that Hayes is watching over me. As I turn down the main road for work, I always have to pull down the visor because the sun is shining right in my face. When I pull the visor down, there is a little light reflection that appears on it every single time the sun is shining through the clouds. The reflection, to me, appears to be an angel flying across my visor. I can see wings and everything! And what is this reflection from...it's shining off of the locket I never take off that has Hayes' picture in it. The wording on the front of the locket reads...MY ANGEL. What an amazing way to start my morning. Each time I see it, I say out loud, "I love you to Hayes. Thank you for watching over me sweet boy."

All in a name

Have you ever looked up the meaning or origin or your name or your children's name?

Before we knew we were having a boy, I wrote out a list of boy's names. (I didn't need to write a list for girl's names because Cody had already named her Ellie Marie.) I got online and searched for Irish names since Cody has an Irish heritage and ancestry. My list probably had about 25 names. That night, we went to a Baylor baseball game and I decided to read my list to Cody. He shook his head at so many and then I said the name, "Hayes". He sat up a little straighter in his chair and said, "I like that name." So my response was, "Did we just name our little boy?", and indeed we had. We played around with the name the rest of the night and I even remember calling my parents to tell them. We both had it in our minds that he was going to play baseball so I would tell Cody, "And up to bat....number 4...Hayes Hall". It just sounded so very absolutely perfect and to name him at a baseball game made it even sweeter to Cody.

Several days after we had gotten admitted to the hospital, Cody's cousin sent him a text that referred to Hayes name. I never thought about looking up the meaning of the name; we just really liked it. Hayes means "hedged area". We knew at that moment that Hayes was being protected because Jesus had placed a hedged area of protection around him. Hayes was being protected. When the doctors didn't give us a chance, Hayes fought for 6 more weeks. He was being protected. Even in Heaven, I know in my heart that our baby boy is being protected, and now, he is helping Jesus place a hedge of protection around his family. It's all perfectly in his name.

Hayes' March for Babies Walk

What an emotional day! It was amazing to meet so many family's and hear them share their stories about their angel babies and how they imagine them in Heaven with each day that passes. I pictured all these sweet babies gathered around Jesus pointing out their Mommy's and Daddy's on Saturday morning and telling Him how  proud they are for each of them. I was also proud of all the Mommy's and Daddy's pushing forward and honoring their babies. Yes, it's a difficult journey, but so many people proved that with the love of God in their heart, moments of joy can be brought about by such sadness.

Cody and I know how blessed we are by Hayes. We will share his story to anyone willing to listen.  We also know how blessed we are by our family and friends. Without their love and support, I'm not sure we would be where we are today. So much love has been poured over us from the first evening in the hopsital.

We set a goal to raise $1388 for Hayes' March for Babies team. WE REACHED THE GOAL! "Hall"ing it for Hayes raised $1435. I thank all of my family, friends and coworkers who donated to Hayes' team, and also joined us to walk on Saturday. It makes my heart smile to know that this money will help save other babies around the world. It may be a small amount in the big scheme of things, but even the smallest of amounts can make all the difference. I encourage you to get involved with your local March of Dimes campaign. I promise, you will be amazed at the joy you experience after you see how your support can change the life of a baby. I encourage you to volunteer at your local NICU. You will never be the same after holding the tiniest of babies in your hand. These babies can feel your love cover them.

Pictures from our walk

"Hall"ing it for Hayes team

Mama Cane, Matthew and Seth joining us for the walk

Butterfly wings to honor babies born to soon, full term, with disabilities and our angel babies.

The Hall crew

Baby Mack. Hayes' cousin born less than a month after him.

My husband and me

Baby Matthew. A NICU graduate!

Our team cake. Hayes would have loved this.

Pops and me

One simple sentence

One simple sentence or exchange of words can bring so much emotion to the surface. Our pastor, PK, has been preaching a sermon series that covers the spiritual tools that can equip you on handling grief. Even though I feel Cody and I are walking faithfully through our grief with hands held and faces towards Jesus, we still have sad moments. I think this happens for anyone dealing with a loss or sickness. Grief can be overwhelming. It can control your daily activities if you don't know how to handle or recover. So, Pastor Kevin's sermon really spoke to our hearts. He said one simple sentence that broke me down, but in a good way.

"He can never come back to you, but you will one day be able to go to him."

One powerful sentence. Even though I knew this already, just to hear someone say it out loud was moving. Tears began to stream down my face. What truth can be found in such a simple statement. Yes, it is true that there is nothing that Cody and I can do that will bring Hayes back to this Earth, but we can do everything in our power to be able to one day be reunited with him, kiss his precious little face, hold his hand, and sweep him up into our arms. WE must continue to live a faith filled life together. There will always be sad moments, but we need to call on Jesus in these moments so He can carry us out of the pit. He will wipe away our tears and remind us of our beautiful angel in Heaven that is watching and waiting on us. But I know in the meantime, Hayes is having a grand time and sending his love down to his Mommy and Daddy.