Our second chances

While moving homes, I came across my digital camera. As I turned it on, I wondered what the last picture I took on it would be. Pictures always take me back to a different place. You remember your feelings, the smells, the sounds, at that exact moment. Moments frozen in time forever. This camera, that hasn't been turned on since December of 2012, took me back to my 30th birthday. My husband surprised me with a trip to Puerto Rico and as I scrolled through the pictures, I focused on our faces. At the time, we were so innocent and naive...even at the age of 30. We'd never experienced a hardship, failures, or anything that would change our lives forever. I call these times of our lives, "Before Hayes". Everything prior to the summer of 2013 was so easy, regardless if we knew it at the time or not. We could just roll through life all peachy keen with minor worries. But, as you know, if you've been reading this blog, or if you know my family and me, the summer of 2013 changed our lives forever.

These frozen moments...would I ever want to go back to those days? Would I want to tell that woman in those pictures what would rock her world just 8 short months later to prepare her? Would I want to warn her or try to change anything? The simple answer...No. My sweet Hayes did in fact change my life forever, but he only changed it for the better. His fight made me a stronger person. His fight made me a stronger mother. His fight made me a stronger wife. His fight made me stronger in my faith. Where I was barely scratching the surface before, Hayes made me dive head first into trusting Jesus and keep swimming. He helped me keep my head above the water when the waves felt like they were pulling me under after we lost him. Hayes constantly reminds me that Jesus will always show me the light at the end of the darkness.

One of my regrets after we lost Hayes was not giving him a bath. When the nurses gently took him from my arms after he took his last breath, they asked if I wanted to help give him a bath. I was so broken. My heart was shattered. It was going to be too hard.  How could I get out of that chair and move? He was so little and I was so emotional. I just couldn't bring myself to help. If only I could go back to that moment. That frozen moment in time. Just thinking about it makes me regret it more each time. Why could I not gather the strength to be there for my son? It hurts and I break a little more each time. But, God steps in and fixes it. He always does. My daughter, Ellie, loves bath time. Don't you think this is Jesus' way to help me heal? I get to see her splashing in the water. I get to pour water over her head to rinse the shampoo out. I get to snuggle her in a towel when bath time is over to get her warm, and she snuggles right back. She gives me this second chance every single day. This is the face I get each time. I see Hayes in this smile. My second chance...

All of my pictures are now taken on my cell phone. I scroll through them constantly. All those frozen moments. My Hayes pictures are on my phone. He's the background so I can see his little face anytime I want. If only I could go back to that moment, just to kiss him one more time. Just to hold him one more time. Each time I kiss Ellie, I'm also kissing Hayes. Hayes knows it. But, I also know God will give me my second chance with my son. And this second chance will last an eternity.