There isn't a day that goes by where something doesn't remind me of Hayes. These are my triggers. Some triggers make me smile...however some bring me to tears. There are still some places that I can't bring myself to go because the pain is just too great. I can't bring myself to go to the mall because the last time I was there I was buying a recorder to take to our doctors appointment so I could record Hayes' heartbeat and put it in a Build-a-Bear. I was there to buy a swimsuit that would fit since I had become pregnant. I had gone to get my first set of maternity clothes. After our struggles with infertility, buying maternity clothes was a big deal. I am a huge fan of food, especially anything wrapped in a tortilla, but I don't know if I can ever go into a Freebirds again. My Mom and I were having lunch there when I noticed something was wrong. I didn't know my water had broke, when innactuality it had. I had to sell my car because the thought of getting behind the wheel of the vehicle that took me to and from all my doctors appointments was more than I could bear. I'd only had it for just over a year, but thankfully Cody is so understanding that he didn't even blink an eye when I told him we needed to sale it. He wanted to do whatever he needed to do to help me continue to heal. I can't sit in the front seat of my parent's truck because that is the truck I drove from Mansfield back to Waco to meet my doctor at the hospital so he could examine me. For that hour and a half drive, I never even thought that we would get the life changing news that we would soon receive. You might think, wow, those are such silly things to avoid, which sometimes I would agree with you. But the good thing is that these are the small triggers that I can avoid. They can't sneak up on me and blindside me.
The ones that sneak up on me are the most difficult to recover from. I've had my two worst breakdowns while on vacation in Mexico for a wedding. The first being during a slideshow of pictures. There I was, holding Cody's hand and smiling at all the pictures that flashed across the screen of our friends growing up and then of our entire Baylor group together during college years. The days when everything seemed so easy. Get up, go to class, go to soccer practice and then hang out with friends. Go to bed and repeat. Just as quickly as a smile spread across my face as I reminisced, my heart sank. A picture flashed across the screen of us at another friend's wedding in June of '13. My mind quickly reminded me... "You were pregnant with Hayes, before you knew it was Hayes." A flood of emotions hit me as I was transported back to that night. Dancing around and holding my "just recently able to notice" pregnant belly. Telling people how far along we were and that we didn't know the gender yet, but would find out in a few weeks. Running to the bathroom every five minutes. Eating any chance I got and justifying it as "I've got to feed the baby." We were so blissfully happy. As these thoughts overtook my mind, I ducked my head as tears swelled but held it together while the slideshow continued. After forcing a few smiles for pictures when the slideshow was over, I quickly headed for the beach as Cody followed. He listened as I explained why I was crying and he just held my hand and let me cry. He's learned that when I have my moments, he just needs to let me cry unless it looks like I'm not going to recover.
That wasn't the worst one of the weekend though. This one I'm about to explain hit me like a ton of bricks and literally knocked the breath out of me. The wedding was gorgeous. Cody officiated for the first time and it was beautiful to see him speaking such heartfelt words over our friends and their new commitment to one another. The ocean was the backdrop, so you might be thinking, how could this setting cause anything but happiness? Well, my meltdown didn't happen at the wedding. It happened at the reception. We're rolling along in the night... Food, dancing, conversation, laughs, and then the night brought us to the planned dances. The bride danced with her Dad and as they twirled around the dance floor, it never even occurred to me what dance was coming next. The mother-son dance. It still didn't hit me right away. I was sitting on Cody's lap smiling as the groom led his Mom around the floor and then they twirled right by our table. That's when it hit me. I'm never going to be able to dance with Hayes on his wedding day. I'm not going to get to twirl around the dancefloor with him on his most special day. Bricks on my chest and breath lost. I quickly got up and said I needed to go to the bathroom. Lie. Tears are rolling now and as I get to a set of doors to leave the room, they're locked. Panic. My mind is screaming, "Get me out of this room!" Next set of doors are in sight and they opened so I could run to the bathroom to hide.
I might have been in there ten minutes trying to pep talk myself into rejoining the party. When I'm convinced, I exit the bathroom and there is my knight, my husband, waiting on me. As our eyes meet, tears start streaming again as I run and bury my head into his chest and he says, "I knew you didn't need to go to the bathroom. Let's go for a walk."
So...if you are reading this, and have these triggers, don't be ashamed. Don't be embarrassed. I've come to learn that they will happen. They will be hard and some will be worse than others. But know and take heart, Jesus will get you through them. He knows. He sees your tears. He knows your hurt and hurts with you. He sees the moment you break and he'll be waiting to wrap his arms around you and say, "Hold my hand and let's take a walk."
