With life's daily demands and schedules to keep, not many of us can say that we have ever been able to be alone with God for an hour, a day, a week. It's hard to carve out some time to just sit and pray...to just sit and thank Jesus for your blessings...to just sit and read the Bible. There are so many things to accomplish in a day that require our immediate attention. Work, children, dishes, laundry, household chores, yard work...the list can go on. Sometimes I feel like I wake up at 5 am and don't get a moment to just sit and relax until my head hits the pillow at night. Now, I do talk to God throughout the day as I'm going from one place to another, but I have not made it a habit to just sit, be still, and talk to Him.
I'm also sure that there are many Mom's who cannot say that during their pregnancy, they were able to be still and just grow with their baby. They probably didn't have all day, every day, to think about the blessing that was growing inside of them without outside worldly distractions. Sure, it might have been a passing thought, but could they just be still with their baby?
While in the hospital with Hayes, and while Cody was at work, my Mom was there in that tiny room with me. She kept my mind busy and we just sat and talked. She tried her best not to let my attitude turn negative. I did need to be reminded a few times when I would just sit in silence trying to figure out why we were in that position after fighting for a baby for so long. There were moments when bitterness would set in, but I'm only human and that is a natural human response. But when I look back, how lucky am I to have spent that time with my Mom? Not many woman, at the age of 30, can say they were able to spend over a month with their Mom by their side, just talking. Every girl needs their Mom, especially in a time like that, and I had mine.
From our journey with Hayes, I can honestly say that Cody and I were
blessed to be able to spend 44 days alone with God. What a privilege to
have that time with Him. I was lucky enough to have 44 days to fight alongside Hayes. To know that I was laying in a bed fighting for him, and with him, was and will always be an honor. I
literally had to BE STILL and stay in bed as to not further upset the
situation we were in. If I moved in certain ways, I would lose a little
more amniotic fluid. I could not get up and walk down the hallways and
it was a task just to get out of the hospital bed and get to the
bathroom because I had to move so slowly. Being still was my only option. It was me, Hayes and Jesus fighting together, for 44 days. Cody and I have never been so close to Jesus in our walk together, and that 44 days got both my husband and I there, hand in hand with Jesus.
44 days. Jesus knew we needed that long to grow closer to Him. Jesus knew we needed that long to get to know Him better so we would be able to come out on the other side after our loss. If it would have been one day, seven days, twenty-one days, I'm not sure Cody and I would be where we are today. I'm not sure we would have had the strength or courage to try for another baby and hopefully even more in the future. I'm not sure who I would be as a person or as a Christian if we weren't given those 44 days. Jesus knew we needed those days. Those 44 days.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Saturday, July 18, 2015
My Triggers
There isn't a day that goes by where something doesn't remind me of Hayes. These are my triggers. Some triggers make me smile...however some bring me to tears. There are still some places that I can't bring myself to go because the pain is just too great. I can't bring myself to go to the mall because the last time I was there I was buying a recorder to take to our doctors appointment so I could record Hayes' heartbeat and put it in a Build-a-Bear. I was there to buy a swimsuit that would fit since I had become pregnant. I had gone to get my first set of maternity clothes. After our struggles with infertility, buying maternity clothes was a big deal. I am a huge fan of food, especially anything wrapped in a tortilla, but I don't know if I can ever go into a Freebirds again. My Mom and I were having lunch there when I noticed something was wrong. I didn't know my water had broke, when innactuality it had. I had to sell my car because the thought of getting behind the wheel of the vehicle that took me to and from all my doctors appointments was more than I could bear. I'd only had it for just over a year, but thankfully Cody is so understanding that he didn't even blink an eye when I told him we needed to sale it. He wanted to do whatever he needed to do to help me continue to heal. I can't sit in the front seat of my parent's truck because that is the truck I drove from Mansfield back to Waco to meet my doctor at the hospital so he could examine me. For that hour and a half drive, I never even thought that we would get the life changing news that we would soon receive. You might think, wow, those are such silly things to avoid, which sometimes I would agree with you. But the good thing is that these are the small triggers that I can avoid. They can't sneak up on me and blindside me.
The ones that sneak up on me are the most difficult to recover from. I've had my two worst breakdowns while on vacation in Mexico for a wedding. The first being during a slideshow of pictures. There I was, holding Cody's hand and smiling at all the pictures that flashed across the screen of our friends growing up and then of our entire Baylor group together during college years. The days when everything seemed so easy. Get up, go to class, go to soccer practice and then hang out with friends. Go to bed and repeat. Just as quickly as a smile spread across my face as I reminisced, my heart sank. A picture flashed across the screen of us at another friend's wedding in June of '13. My mind quickly reminded me... "You were pregnant with Hayes, before you knew it was Hayes." A flood of emotions hit me as I was transported back to that night. Dancing around and holding my "just recently able to notice" pregnant belly. Telling people how far along we were and that we didn't know the gender yet, but would find out in a few weeks. Running to the bathroom every five minutes. Eating any chance I got and justifying it as "I've got to feed the baby." We were so blissfully happy. As these thoughts overtook my mind, I ducked my head as tears swelled but held it together while the slideshow continued. After forcing a few smiles for pictures when the slideshow was over, I quickly headed for the beach as Cody followed. He listened as I explained why I was crying and he just held my hand and let me cry. He's learned that when I have my moments, he just needs to let me cry unless it looks like I'm not going to recover.
That wasn't the worst one of the weekend though. This one I'm about to explain hit me like a ton of bricks and literally knocked the breath out of me. The wedding was gorgeous. Cody officiated for the first time and it was beautiful to see him speaking such heartfelt words over our friends and their new commitment to one another. The ocean was the backdrop, so you might be thinking, how could this setting cause anything but happiness? Well, my meltdown didn't happen at the wedding. It happened at the reception. We're rolling along in the night... Food, dancing, conversation, laughs, and then the night brought us to the planned dances. The bride danced with her Dad and as they twirled around the dance floor, it never even occurred to me what dance was coming next. The mother-son dance. It still didn't hit me right away. I was sitting on Cody's lap smiling as the groom led his Mom around the floor and then they twirled right by our table. That's when it hit me. I'm never going to be able to dance with Hayes on his wedding day. I'm not going to get to twirl around the dancefloor with him on his most special day. Bricks on my chest and breath lost. I quickly got up and said I needed to go to the bathroom. Lie. Tears are rolling now and as I get to a set of doors to leave the room, they're locked. Panic. My mind is screaming, "Get me out of this room!" Next set of doors are in sight and they opened so I could run to the bathroom to hide.
I might have been in there ten minutes trying to pep talk myself into rejoining the party. When I'm convinced, I exit the bathroom and there is my knight, my husband, waiting on me. As our eyes meet, tears start streaming again as I run and bury my head into his chest and he says, "I knew you didn't need to go to the bathroom. Let's go for a walk."
So...if you are reading this, and have these triggers, don't be ashamed. Don't be embarrassed. I've come to learn that they will happen. They will be hard and some will be worse than others. But know and take heart, Jesus will get you through them. He knows. He sees your tears. He knows your hurt and hurts with you. He sees the moment you break and he'll be waiting to wrap his arms around you and say, "Hold my hand and let's take a walk."
The ones that sneak up on me are the most difficult to recover from. I've had my two worst breakdowns while on vacation in Mexico for a wedding. The first being during a slideshow of pictures. There I was, holding Cody's hand and smiling at all the pictures that flashed across the screen of our friends growing up and then of our entire Baylor group together during college years. The days when everything seemed so easy. Get up, go to class, go to soccer practice and then hang out with friends. Go to bed and repeat. Just as quickly as a smile spread across my face as I reminisced, my heart sank. A picture flashed across the screen of us at another friend's wedding in June of '13. My mind quickly reminded me... "You were pregnant with Hayes, before you knew it was Hayes." A flood of emotions hit me as I was transported back to that night. Dancing around and holding my "just recently able to notice" pregnant belly. Telling people how far along we were and that we didn't know the gender yet, but would find out in a few weeks. Running to the bathroom every five minutes. Eating any chance I got and justifying it as "I've got to feed the baby." We were so blissfully happy. As these thoughts overtook my mind, I ducked my head as tears swelled but held it together while the slideshow continued. After forcing a few smiles for pictures when the slideshow was over, I quickly headed for the beach as Cody followed. He listened as I explained why I was crying and he just held my hand and let me cry. He's learned that when I have my moments, he just needs to let me cry unless it looks like I'm not going to recover.
That wasn't the worst one of the weekend though. This one I'm about to explain hit me like a ton of bricks and literally knocked the breath out of me. The wedding was gorgeous. Cody officiated for the first time and it was beautiful to see him speaking such heartfelt words over our friends and their new commitment to one another. The ocean was the backdrop, so you might be thinking, how could this setting cause anything but happiness? Well, my meltdown didn't happen at the wedding. It happened at the reception. We're rolling along in the night... Food, dancing, conversation, laughs, and then the night brought us to the planned dances. The bride danced with her Dad and as they twirled around the dance floor, it never even occurred to me what dance was coming next. The mother-son dance. It still didn't hit me right away. I was sitting on Cody's lap smiling as the groom led his Mom around the floor and then they twirled right by our table. That's when it hit me. I'm never going to be able to dance with Hayes on his wedding day. I'm not going to get to twirl around the dancefloor with him on his most special day. Bricks on my chest and breath lost. I quickly got up and said I needed to go to the bathroom. Lie. Tears are rolling now and as I get to a set of doors to leave the room, they're locked. Panic. My mind is screaming, "Get me out of this room!" Next set of doors are in sight and they opened so I could run to the bathroom to hide.
I might have been in there ten minutes trying to pep talk myself into rejoining the party. When I'm convinced, I exit the bathroom and there is my knight, my husband, waiting on me. As our eyes meet, tears start streaming again as I run and bury my head into his chest and he says, "I knew you didn't need to go to the bathroom. Let's go for a walk."
So...if you are reading this, and have these triggers, don't be ashamed. Don't be embarrassed. I've come to learn that they will happen. They will be hard and some will be worse than others. But know and take heart, Jesus will get you through them. He knows. He sees your tears. He knows your hurt and hurts with you. He sees the moment you break and he'll be waiting to wrap his arms around you and say, "Hold my hand and let's take a walk."
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Our second chances
While moving homes, I came across my digital camera. As I turned it on, I wondered what the last picture I took on it would be. Pictures always take me back to a different place. You remember your feelings, the smells, the sounds, at that exact moment. Moments frozen in time forever. This camera, that hasn't been turned on since December of 2012, took me back to my 30th birthday. My husband surprised me with a trip to Puerto Rico and as I scrolled through the pictures, I focused on our faces. At the time, we were so innocent and naive...even at the age of 30. We'd never experienced a hardship, failures, or anything that would change our lives forever. I call these times of our lives, "Before Hayes". Everything prior to the summer of 2013 was so easy, regardless if we knew it at the time or not. We could just roll through life all peachy keen with minor worries. But, as you know, if you've been reading this blog, or if you know my family and me, the summer of 2013 changed our lives forever.
These frozen moments...would I ever want to go back to those days? Would I want to tell that woman in those pictures what would rock her world just 8 short months later to prepare her? Would I want to warn her or try to change anything? The simple answer...No. My sweet Hayes did in fact change my life forever, but he only changed it for the better. His fight made me a stronger person. His fight made me a stronger mother. His fight made me a stronger wife. His fight made me stronger in my faith. Where I was barely scratching the surface before, Hayes made me dive head first into trusting Jesus and keep swimming. He helped me keep my head above the water when the waves felt like they were pulling me under after we lost him. Hayes constantly reminds me that Jesus will always show me the light at the end of the darkness.
One of my regrets after we lost Hayes was not giving him a bath. When the nurses gently took him from my arms after he took his last breath, they asked if I wanted to help give him a bath. I was so broken. My heart was shattered. It was going to be too hard. How could I get out of that chair and move? He was so little and I was so emotional. I just couldn't bring myself to help. If only I could go back to that moment. That frozen moment in time. Just thinking about it makes me regret it more each time. Why could I not gather the strength to be there for my son? It hurts and I break a little more each time. But, God steps in and fixes it. He always does. My daughter, Ellie, loves bath time. Don't you think this is Jesus' way to help me heal? I get to see her splashing in the water. I get to pour water over her head to rinse the shampoo out. I get to snuggle her in a towel when bath time is over to get her warm, and she snuggles right back. She gives me this second chance every single day. This is the face I get each time. I see Hayes in this smile. My second chance...
All of my pictures are now taken on my cell phone. I scroll through them constantly. All those frozen moments. My Hayes pictures are on my phone. He's the background so I can see his little face anytime I want. If only I could go back to that moment, just to kiss him one more time. Just to hold him one more time. Each time I kiss Ellie, I'm also kissing Hayes. Hayes knows it. But, I also know God will give me my second chance with my son. And this second chance will last an eternity.
These frozen moments...would I ever want to go back to those days? Would I want to tell that woman in those pictures what would rock her world just 8 short months later to prepare her? Would I want to warn her or try to change anything? The simple answer...No. My sweet Hayes did in fact change my life forever, but he only changed it for the better. His fight made me a stronger person. His fight made me a stronger mother. His fight made me a stronger wife. His fight made me stronger in my faith. Where I was barely scratching the surface before, Hayes made me dive head first into trusting Jesus and keep swimming. He helped me keep my head above the water when the waves felt like they were pulling me under after we lost him. Hayes constantly reminds me that Jesus will always show me the light at the end of the darkness.
One of my regrets after we lost Hayes was not giving him a bath. When the nurses gently took him from my arms after he took his last breath, they asked if I wanted to help give him a bath. I was so broken. My heart was shattered. It was going to be too hard. How could I get out of that chair and move? He was so little and I was so emotional. I just couldn't bring myself to help. If only I could go back to that moment. That frozen moment in time. Just thinking about it makes me regret it more each time. Why could I not gather the strength to be there for my son? It hurts and I break a little more each time. But, God steps in and fixes it. He always does. My daughter, Ellie, loves bath time. Don't you think this is Jesus' way to help me heal? I get to see her splashing in the water. I get to pour water over her head to rinse the shampoo out. I get to snuggle her in a towel when bath time is over to get her warm, and she snuggles right back. She gives me this second chance every single day. This is the face I get each time. I see Hayes in this smile. My second chance...
All of my pictures are now taken on my cell phone. I scroll through them constantly. All those frozen moments. My Hayes pictures are on my phone. He's the background so I can see his little face anytime I want. If only I could go back to that moment, just to kiss him one more time. Just to hold him one more time. Each time I kiss Ellie, I'm also kissing Hayes. Hayes knows it. But, I also know God will give me my second chance with my son. And this second chance will last an eternity.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Handpicked from Heaven
I've imagined many times what I will feel when Ellie finally learns how to say her brother's name. Other than her giggles and laughs, that will be the sweetest sound. It's going to be such a beautiful moment that I'm going to be able to cherish forever. It will be such a blessed day when I can sit down with Ellie and we can talk about Hayes and how much he loves us and watches over us daily.
I look at her and know that Hayes had something to do with choosing her for us. I can see him with Jesus discussing who he wanted to send to us from Heaven. Hayes and Jesus hand-picked such a perfect little one for us to call our daughter. Sometimes it's hard to think about the fact that without Hayes going through what he went through, we wouldn't have our Ellie here with us. In a way, Hayes sacrificed his life, to bring Ellie to his parents. What and amazing brother she has in Heaven!
Ellie Marie with her best friend, Wrett, who also has a brother named Wyatt in Heaven.
I look at her and know that Hayes had something to do with choosing her for us. I can see him with Jesus discussing who he wanted to send to us from Heaven. Hayes and Jesus hand-picked such a perfect little one for us to call our daughter. Sometimes it's hard to think about the fact that without Hayes going through what he went through, we wouldn't have our Ellie here with us. In a way, Hayes sacrificed his life, to bring Ellie to his parents. What and amazing brother she has in Heaven!
Ellie Marie with her best friend, Wrett, who also has a brother named Wyatt in Heaven.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Second walk to celebrate our fighter
As a way to celebrate Hayes and his fight well fought, we will continue to raise funds for March of Dimes. This coming April we will walk in our second March for Babies, and Cody and I know that we will take part in this yearly. Our family was touched by the efforts of the NICU nurses and doctors, and March of Dimes supports the families in the NICU. Whether it's the medicine that has been researched and discovered, holding events like Donuts for Dads on Father's Day, or just providing a meal for families who are fighting alongside their babies, March of Dimes makes a difference. Our family will always be advocates for this foundation.
We have designed a shirt that is available for purchase until February 20th of 2015, through Booster.com . This will also serve as a way to honor Hayes and his steadfast fight of 11 hours and 11 minutes and to share our family motto of "Hayes Tough" with everyone. All proceeds made from the purchase of this shirt will go directly to our March for Babies 2015 team. Please join us in honoring our Hayes and let's show the world together what it means to be Hayes Tough.
We have designed a shirt that is available for purchase until February 20th of 2015, through Booster.com . This will also serve as a way to honor Hayes and his steadfast fight of 11 hours and 11 minutes and to share our family motto of "Hayes Tough" with everyone. All proceeds made from the purchase of this shirt will go directly to our March for Babies 2015 team. Please join us in honoring our Hayes and let's show the world together what it means to be Hayes Tough.
Hayes is listening
Over the past few months, I've noticed that I have not seen as many Hayes tinted moments as I/we once were. Those moments would brighten my day and they always seemed to show themselves when I needed them the most.
Two weeks ago, as I was sitting in Hayes' nursery, I asked him if he could start sending me my Hayes tinted moments again. I missed them, almost as much as I miss him daily.
Well, of course my little man was listening. Since that moment two weeks ago Hayes has given me five Hayes tinted moments and two of them were moments that were shown to friends, which they shared with me.
I think I enjoy the tinted moments he gives my friends the most. It lets me know that not only are my dear friends thinking about my sweet boy, but he is watching over them as well in that very moment. I believe all the moments he gives me is just a reminder that he will never leave us. He's always listening and always near.
The first one came while I was walking around Target. It's always somewhat hard to go to Target because that is one of the places I registered for gifts when I was pregnant with Hayes. Gifts he never got to play with. As my mind began to wander, my sweet friend from high school sent me this picture.
She said she was thinking about Hayes and when she looked at the car in front of her, the license plate said it all.
The second came from my fellow Baylor soccer teammate, whom I call BFF, and as she was registering her daughter for her first soccer league, a name on the roster looked quite familiar.
All such beautiful moments sent from above with love. All from a little boy who loves his family and their friends more than words can express. All from a little boy who hears his Mom and sends her little reminders when she needs them the most that he isn't far away. I thank Jesus for letting these Hayes moments shine through.
Two weeks ago, as I was sitting in Hayes' nursery, I asked him if he could start sending me my Hayes tinted moments again. I missed them, almost as much as I miss him daily.
Well, of course my little man was listening. Since that moment two weeks ago Hayes has given me five Hayes tinted moments and two of them were moments that were shown to friends, which they shared with me.
I think I enjoy the tinted moments he gives my friends the most. It lets me know that not only are my dear friends thinking about my sweet boy, but he is watching over them as well in that very moment. I believe all the moments he gives me is just a reminder that he will never leave us. He's always listening and always near.
The first one came while I was walking around Target. It's always somewhat hard to go to Target because that is one of the places I registered for gifts when I was pregnant with Hayes. Gifts he never got to play with. As my mind began to wander, my sweet friend from high school sent me this picture.
She said she was thinking about Hayes and when she looked at the car in front of her, the license plate said it all.
The second came from my fellow Baylor soccer teammate, whom I call BFF, and as she was registering her daughter for her first soccer league, a name on the roster looked quite familiar.
All such beautiful moments sent from above with love. All from a little boy who loves his family and their friends more than words can express. All from a little boy who hears his Mom and sends her little reminders when she needs them the most that he isn't far away. I thank Jesus for letting these Hayes moments shine through.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Who would he have become?
I spoke to my husband about this on our way home from dinner the other night. This question has popped into my head so many times over the last several months. As a school teacher, I'm surrounded by kids all day. As I look out upon my class, I begin to wonder, "Who would Hayes have acted like?" "Who would he have been friends with?" "Would he be athletic?" . "Would he have been an A+ student, or would he have had a learning disability since he was born so early and battled so hard?" These questions have swirled and swirled and have been creeping into the forefront of my mind
We'll never know the answer to these questions. And I've come to determine, that's okay. Jesus knows who Hayes would have become, and I believe he gets to become that little boy in Heaven.
I also wonder, how old will Hayes be in Heaven when he meets us at the gates? Cody and I talk about this often, and we've decided he will be the age Jesus needs him to be for us. How do we imagine him? I see him as a little boy, possibly five or six. He has blonde hair and the sweetest smile I've ever seen. He can throw and kick a ball, just like he would have done with us in the front yard. I see him as a playful little boy full of wonder.
I've always loved the MercyMe song, I Can Only Imagine. The first time I ever heard this song was while I was attending Chapel at Baylor my freshman year. I was so caught up in the song that tears welled up in my eyes and I got chills because these were the most beautiful lyrics I had ever heard with such a powerful message. Every time I have heard it since that morning in Chapel way back in '02, I do imagine meeting Jesus for the very first time. Now, this song also hits me in a new way. I still imagine meeting Jesus, but I also begin to imagine seeing my baby boy again. The first two verses speak to me...
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
While I'm still hear on this Earth, all I can do is imagine. What will it be like to feel Hayes' hand fit into mine and walk through Heaven with him by my side? What will his precious little face look like when we're reunited for the first time? I told Cody about this several months ago and on Christmas this year, he finally told me what he envisions when he now hears this song.
When he gets to Heaven, Jesus sits him down on a bench while this song plays. Cody can see Hayes playing in a field with out sweet dog, Buddy Lee. Cody wants to run to him, but Jesus tells him to wait because he wants to show him something. He shows Cody a type of slideshow that reveals to him everything Hayes has done and accomplished since he came to be with Jesus on August 9, 2013. Jesus also shows Cody Hayes' reactions to many of the things that we did on Earth since he passed, like how he reacted when he saw us hold his baby sister for the first time. He doesn't know how long the slideshow lasts, but he says it's a good while because there were so many things that we all did. Then, at the end of the slideshow, Jesus asks Cody if he's ready to hold his son again and when Cody replies yes, Jesus calls Hayes' name. When Hayes looks up, he knows Cody is his Daddy and runs over to him and jumps into his arms.
We both can only imagine.
We'll never know the answer to these questions. And I've come to determine, that's okay. Jesus knows who Hayes would have become, and I believe he gets to become that little boy in Heaven.
I also wonder, how old will Hayes be in Heaven when he meets us at the gates? Cody and I talk about this often, and we've decided he will be the age Jesus needs him to be for us. How do we imagine him? I see him as a little boy, possibly five or six. He has blonde hair and the sweetest smile I've ever seen. He can throw and kick a ball, just like he would have done with us in the front yard. I see him as a playful little boy full of wonder.
I've always loved the MercyMe song, I Can Only Imagine. The first time I ever heard this song was while I was attending Chapel at Baylor my freshman year. I was so caught up in the song that tears welled up in my eyes and I got chills because these were the most beautiful lyrics I had ever heard with such a powerful message. Every time I have heard it since that morning in Chapel way back in '02, I do imagine meeting Jesus for the very first time. Now, this song also hits me in a new way. I still imagine meeting Jesus, but I also begin to imagine seeing my baby boy again. The first two verses speak to me...
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
While I'm still hear on this Earth, all I can do is imagine. What will it be like to feel Hayes' hand fit into mine and walk through Heaven with him by my side? What will his precious little face look like when we're reunited for the first time? I told Cody about this several months ago and on Christmas this year, he finally told me what he envisions when he now hears this song.
When he gets to Heaven, Jesus sits him down on a bench while this song plays. Cody can see Hayes playing in a field with out sweet dog, Buddy Lee. Cody wants to run to him, but Jesus tells him to wait because he wants to show him something. He shows Cody a type of slideshow that reveals to him everything Hayes has done and accomplished since he came to be with Jesus on August 9, 2013. Jesus also shows Cody Hayes' reactions to many of the things that we did on Earth since he passed, like how he reacted when he saw us hold his baby sister for the first time. He doesn't know how long the slideshow lasts, but he says it's a good while because there were so many things that we all did. Then, at the end of the slideshow, Jesus asks Cody if he's ready to hold his son again and when Cody replies yes, Jesus calls Hayes' name. When Hayes looks up, he knows Cody is his Daddy and runs over to him and jumps into his arms.
We both can only imagine.
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