44 Days

With life's daily demands and schedules to keep, not many of us can say that we have ever been able to be alone with God for an hour, a day, a week. It's hard to carve out some time to just sit and pray...to just sit and thank Jesus for your blessings...to just sit and read the Bible. There are so many things to accomplish in a day that require our immediate attention. Work, children, dishes, laundry, household chores, yard work...the list can go on. Sometimes I feel like I wake up at 5 am and don't get a moment to just sit and relax until my head hits the pillow at night. Now, I do talk to God throughout the day as I'm going from one place to another, but I have not made it a habit to just sit, be still, and talk to Him.

I'm also sure that there are many Mom's who cannot say that during their pregnancy, they were able to be still and just grow with their baby. They probably didn't have all day, every day, to think about the blessing that was growing inside of them without outside worldly distractions. Sure, it might have been a passing thought, but could they just be still with their baby?

While in the hospital with Hayes, and while Cody was at work, my Mom was there in that tiny room with me. She kept my mind busy and we just sat and talked. She tried her best not to let my attitude turn negative. I did need to be reminded a few times when I would just sit in silence trying to figure out why we were in that position after fighting for a baby for so long. There were moments when bitterness would set in, but I'm only human and that is a natural human response. But when I look back, how lucky am I to have spent that time with my Mom? Not many woman, at the age of 30, can say they were able to spend over a month with their Mom by their side, just talking. Every girl needs their Mom, especially in a time like that, and I had mine.

From our journey with Hayes, I can honestly say that Cody and I were blessed to be able to spend 44 days alone with God. What a privilege to have that time with Him. I was lucky enough to have 44 days to fight alongside Hayes. To know that I was laying in a bed fighting for him, and with him, was and will always be an honor. I literally had to BE STILL and stay in bed as to not further upset the situation we were in. If I moved in certain ways, I would lose a little more amniotic fluid. I could not get up and walk down the hallways and it was a task just to get out of the hospital bed and get to the bathroom because I had to move so slowly. Being still was my only option. It was me, Hayes and Jesus fighting together, for 44 days. Cody and I have never been so close to Jesus in our walk together, and that 44 days got both my husband and I there, hand in hand with Jesus.

44 days. Jesus knew we needed that long to grow closer to Him. Jesus knew we needed that long to get to know Him better so we would be able to come out on the other side after our loss. If it would have been one day, seven days, twenty-one days, I'm not sure Cody and I would be where we are today. I'm not sure we would have had the strength or courage to try for another baby and hopefully even more in the future. I'm not sure who I would be as a person or as a Christian if we weren't given those 44 days. Jesus knew we needed those days. Those 44 days.