Those little moments

As I think back to everything that happened from June 26th to August 9th, I begin to remember little moments which took place that I will be forever grateful. Each day that passes always seem to bring new moments that we had with Hayes which brings joy to my heart. Each night, I thank Jesus for the moments he allowed us to have.

I am thankful that I was able to hear my son's heartbeat on monitors whenever I wanted. The sound of his heart made my soul smile. I am thankful for the evening that I was hooked up to a monitor the entire night to keep an eye on my vitals. My nurse left the sound up just loud enough so I could hear, and I was able to fall asleep to the sound of Hayes' heart beating. I am thankful that I was able to hear his hiccups while feeling them at the same time.  I am thankful that the first time Cody was able to feel Hayes kick and move was when he was talking about bunt defense for baseball. I am thankful for the moments each day when Hayes was able to make me laugh because he hated when the monitors were put on me. He would always kick and punch when they were put around my belly for thirty minutes to an hour. When they were taken off, he would settle down. I am thankful for the split second that I was able to hear Hayes whimper.  I am thankful for the hours that we were able to hold and kiss Hayes while telling him that he was going to be okay because Jesus was going to take care of him for us. I am thankful for the brief moment that a smile came across Hayes' face. I tell myself that he was smiling because angels were whispering in his ear.

These are moments that not every mom will be able to experience. Cody and I are so blessed to have had these moments with our sweet baby Hayes.

Your Promise is Heaven to Me

I felt like yesterday's church service was directed right to our hearts. Everything our preacher said rung true and it made me wonder, "Is he saying this for me?" Have you ever had a moment like that? I know for a fact that God laid it on his heart to have such a sermon. We learned all about God's promise. God has a promise for each and every one of us, and He will deliver peace with each promise. We can't let doubt creep into our minds and paralyze us because this will lead us to a position of unbelief. God's promise to me is that I will one day meet my beautiful baby boy again. All my days on this Earth, I will wait for the moment I get to see Hayes face to face. My promise might encourage the promises for others. I can go through each day and question God why he needed my baby in Heaven, but where will that get me? Nowhere. I am grateful that I know where my baby boy is and who is holding him tight at this very moment. Jesus is telling Hayes all about his Mommy and Daddy and I want there to be a smile on his face because he is proud of us. Hayes picked us to be his parents. What an honor!

 

God may have more than one promise for each person. We just have to be still and listen. The closest we'll ever be with God is in the wait. He may speak things over our life through other people and this may be the answer to our prayers. My daily desire is to be close to God because I know that's where Hayes will be.

Our unfailing anchor

Church has saved us both from staying down in a pit after we lost out sweet baby Hayes. Each sermon seems to be directed at both of us reminding us that we are not alone and Jesus is carrying us during our moments of sadness. This was especially true this past Sunday. As the band was playing, Anchor, by Hillsong, there was an image of Jesus on the cross and Cody started to cry. (Keep in mind I'm usually the one who breaks down and cries during church, so I knew something had spoken to him about Hayes.) As we climbed into the car, he told me what was going through his mind. He said, "Jesus died on the cross knowing that we would one day need him to hold our Hayes. He knew he would hold or son in Heaven as he was nailed to that cross."

Cody's words were so powerful that I immediately started to cry. I never thought of it that way. Yes, Jesus died on the cross to wash away our sins and give us eternal life, but now I realize that he also knew that WE would need him to cradle our little baby boy. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I type this knowing that Jesus sacrificed his own life to do this for US.

How can we ever repay him for this? There is only one way. Honor him in every little thing we do. It can be a small task, or a huge task, but I know that I will honor Jesus as I'm completing whatever is on my list for the day. That is all I can do, and the amazing thing is, that is all Jesus is asking me to do. And in return, he will forever hold our sweet baby Hayes in his strong arms.

Our Little Heavenly Hero

Our Little Heavenly Hero

 

H-allelujiah, Heaven's ringing as Jesus carries you through the gates

A-ngels sing a Heavenly lullaby as they cradle you beneath their wings

Y-ou kiss away our tears when they flow down our cheeks

E-very moment we think of you makes our hearts smile knowing you are forever ours

S-oar through Heaven with your ever growing wings

 

L-et Jesus hold and keep you for now

E-very day we are apart makes our love for you grow stronger

E-ventually Jesus will call us home to carry and guide you, sweet baby Hayes

 

Our Forever Family



Heaven's Babysitters

We've received many cards, emails and texts over the last few months since our sweet baby Hayes went to be with Jesus in Heaven. Out of all the cards, there is one that makes me cry just thinking about it. The tears that I shed are not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. This card was sent to us from Cody's aunt and her words gave me such solace on a day that I just didn't feel as though I would be able to shake my grief. Cody's Aunt Jackie wrote, My prayers are with you. You are so loved by me. I find comfort knowing Meme met Hayes at Heaven's gates and asking Jesus, "Lord may I hold him?" After I read this card for the first time and as tears streamed down my face, a beautiful picture came into view. I know Jesus was there in that Temple, Texas NICU room and gently removed Hayes from my arms to cradle him in his strong arms. I can picture Hayes gazing at Jesus as he was told that they were going on a new journey to meet some amazing people. I see Cody's Meme and Papa, my Granny and Grandpa, as well as my Memaw all waiting at Heaven's gates trying to get a glimpse of their new great grandson. I imagine that there was such joy when our grandparents were able to hold Hayes for the first time. Along with Jesus, what amazing babysitters for our sweet baby Hayes while he waits for his Mommy and Daddy to come home!

Two paths of trust and faith

As I was driving yesterday, I started to think of the faith and trust that I must have in God to carry me through this difficult time. I must remind myself that God is good and that he will guide my ways. My husband and I could have chosen to stay in a pit of darkness cloaked by our sadness over the loss of our son Hayes, or we can find the courage to get out of bed each morning and honor him in every way possible. Praise God that he has given us the courage and He has not let the enemy take us over. We know God will not let us fall into a numbing routine that causes us to disappoint our son in Heaven.

But then another thought hit me. God has so much faith in me. He chose me to carry Hayes and he chose me to be his Mommy. He chose my husband to be Hayes' Daddy. God trusts us to forever honor our son's memory every waking moment. What faith he has in us and we are not going to let God or our son down! We choose, no, we demand ourselves to keep the faith in Him. We find the courage to direct our eyes towards the Heavens to find strength. There is just no other way!

I long to hear the words, "Mommy I love you". And I pray daily that God will bless my husband and me with brothers and sisters for Hayes. I also know, that one day, God will take my husband and me away, and we will be going home to be with our Hayes. When we get there, he'll be waiting, and I know he's going to say, "Welcome home Mommy and Daddy. I love you."

Our New Journey

My husband and I struggled to get pregnant for 2 ½ years. We went through 6 failed IUI’s and many doctors that were frustrating to deal with because they couldn’t tell us why we weren’t getting pregnant.  I can't tell you how many times we heard, "Just relax and it will happen", or my favorite, "Take a vacation". Finally, we decided to begin the IVF process.  We started seeing Dr. Wincek in December of 2012 and in January of 2013, I started giving administering shots to myself every night to get my body ready for IVF. With many prayers, the first IVF was a success and we were told we were pregnant on March 5. I can’t tell you how many happy tears were cried that day. A few weeks later, my husband had to take me to the ER because I had started bleeding and was fearful we were losing our baby. But again, with many prayers, everything turned out okay and I was only on bedrest for a few days.

 

Then on June 26^th, less than a week after we found out we were having a boy, at 20 ½ weeks pregnant, my water broke. We were devastated. The doctors told me I would go into labor at any minute and that at 20 ½ weeks, our Hayes would not have a fighting chance. The doctors told us by law that we would need to start making funeral arrangements. Well, Jesus decided to prove them all wrong. I was in the hospital on bedrest for 7 weeks and on Aug. 8^th, Hayes decided he was ready to conquer the world. I had to have an emergency C-section because I once again had started bleeding. Hayes entered this world weighing 2 pounds 6 ounces and before they whisked him off to the NICU, the nurses gently turned him so we could see one another. I couldn't help but think about how beautiful he was. While I was still in surgery, the NICU doctor came in and said Hayes passed all his APGAR tests and was doing great. It felt like the world had been lifted off our shoulders and we could finally breathe since all we had done for the last 7 weeks was live with a constant anxiety and fear.

Hayes was born at 2:53 pm and we were all smiles. Saying we were on cloud 9 would be an understatement. Then at 10:00 pm, a nurse came in and said he wasn’t responding to the machines he was on and was struggling to breathe. But, she also said not to worry because they had many tricks up their sleeves. Ten minutes later, another nurse came in and said we needed to get to NICU as soon as possible. We had no idea what was going on. When we got to NICU, the machines connected to Hayes were so loud and our little boy looked so helpless. The doctor on call told us there was nothing else they could do and that Hayes was in a lot of pain, so we had to make our toughest decision as first time parents of only a few hours, to stop all the treatment and machines and let him be with Jesus. We were able to hold him for quite some time, which I'm thankful God gave us that precious opportunity. Hayes fought so hard just so we could hold him and kiss him until 2:04 am on the 9^th. He passed away in my arms. I imagine Jesus by my side and lifting Hayes from my arms saying, "I have him now and he is going to be okay. Heaven now has a new beautiful angel."

I can’t really tell you much after that because I was in a fog for several weeks. I have good days and bad days, but they are more like moments. Everything reminds me of Hayes. A close friend put it perfectly and said that my world is now “Hayes tinted”. Here’s an example. I went to a For King of Country concert this past weekend. Before I left the house, I went into Hayes’ nursery and asked him to come with me because I know he’d love the music. When we sat down, I looked to the left and there was a boy who had a shirt on with the name Hayes scrolled across the back. Hayes always has a way of being there for me just when I need him the most. God never ceases to amaze me! We played Oceans, by Hillsong, every night we were in the hospital before we went to bed, so now, this is Hayes' song, and it always plays on the radio when I need to hear it the most.Those are the moments where I realize that Hayes is with me everywhere. I talk about Hayes all the time, because I’m his mommy and Cody is his daddy and he fought so hard from the word go. We're both so proud of him. We have made a conscience daily effort to continue to fight through our sadness and make our son proud in every way possible. We know he is watching every moment and this makes it a little easier to make that effort.

We continued to work on Hayes’ nursery once I came home from the hospital. That has been helpful to me. He deserved to have a beautiful room. I’m almost finished with it which makes me happy. I go into Hayes’ room every night and read him a nighttime story. It helps my heart. I talk out loud to him and constantly thank him for being my guardian angel because I know he is. I feel like he is right by Jesus' side while Jesus is writing pages in our book and saying, "Jesus, please bless my Mommy and Daddy." How lucky we are to have such an angel in Heaven.

 

I went to my first Bible Study about one month after losing Hayes. A sweet little lady came up to me after I had shared my story of why I needed prayers of strength, peace and comfort for both my husband and myself. She told me she lost her daughter on Christmas day 40 years ago. Her pain has never gone away, she thinks about her daughter every single day, but she has learned how to cope. And that was 40 years ago! We realize this is now a part of our new journey. We know we have to keep our eyes on God because he will give us the daily strength we will need to overcome. My hope is that by sharing our story, some other Mommy and Daddy will find peace and strength in their new journey if they have lost a beautiful child.

 

I feel like I have been called to write and continue a blog about this new journey that we are on. We may face set backs along the way, but we are going to keep fighting for our little boy who has gone to Heaven before us. We know we have to keep our eyes on God because he will give us the daily strength we will need to overcome.We know God will take these dark moments and spin them into something significant. My hope is that by keeping this updated, some other Mommy and Daddy will find peace and strength in their new journey if they have lost a beautiful child.

 

I don't remember a lot of things that were said on August 9th, but I do remember thinking and saying how perfect his little hands were. That is why I chose Hayes' Heavenly Hands as the name of this blog. I know in my heart that he is whispering in my ear, "Be strong, Mommy. We've got this and you and Daddy are going to be just fine."

-Ginny

 

When our eyes first met...