Our New Journey

My husband and I struggled to get pregnant for 2 ½ years. We went through 6 failed IUI’s and many doctors that were frustrating to deal with because they couldn’t tell us why we weren’t getting pregnant.  I can't tell you how many times we heard, "Just relax and it will happen", or my favorite, "Take a vacation". Finally, we decided to begin the IVF process.  We started seeing Dr. Wincek in December of 2012 and in January of 2013, I started giving administering shots to myself every night to get my body ready for IVF. With many prayers, the first IVF was a success and we were told we were pregnant on March 5. I can’t tell you how many happy tears were cried that day. A few weeks later, my husband had to take me to the ER because I had started bleeding and was fearful we were losing our baby. But again, with many prayers, everything turned out okay and I was only on bedrest for a few days.

 

Then on June 26^th, less than a week after we found out we were having a boy, at 20 ½ weeks pregnant, my water broke. We were devastated. The doctors told me I would go into labor at any minute and that at 20 ½ weeks, our Hayes would not have a fighting chance. The doctors told us by law that we would need to start making funeral arrangements. Well, Jesus decided to prove them all wrong. I was in the hospital on bedrest for 7 weeks and on Aug. 8^th, Hayes decided he was ready to conquer the world. I had to have an emergency C-section because I once again had started bleeding. Hayes entered this world weighing 2 pounds 6 ounces and before they whisked him off to the NICU, the nurses gently turned him so we could see one another. I couldn't help but think about how beautiful he was. While I was still in surgery, the NICU doctor came in and said Hayes passed all his APGAR tests and was doing great. It felt like the world had been lifted off our shoulders and we could finally breathe since all we had done for the last 7 weeks was live with a constant anxiety and fear.

Hayes was born at 2:53 pm and we were all smiles. Saying we were on cloud 9 would be an understatement. Then at 10:00 pm, a nurse came in and said he wasn’t responding to the machines he was on and was struggling to breathe. But, she also said not to worry because they had many tricks up their sleeves. Ten minutes later, another nurse came in and said we needed to get to NICU as soon as possible. We had no idea what was going on. When we got to NICU, the machines connected to Hayes were so loud and our little boy looked so helpless. The doctor on call told us there was nothing else they could do and that Hayes was in a lot of pain, so we had to make our toughest decision as first time parents of only a few hours, to stop all the treatment and machines and let him be with Jesus. We were able to hold him for quite some time, which I'm thankful God gave us that precious opportunity. Hayes fought so hard just so we could hold him and kiss him until 2:04 am on the 9^th. He passed away in my arms. I imagine Jesus by my side and lifting Hayes from my arms saying, "I have him now and he is going to be okay. Heaven now has a new beautiful angel."

I can’t really tell you much after that because I was in a fog for several weeks. I have good days and bad days, but they are more like moments. Everything reminds me of Hayes. A close friend put it perfectly and said that my world is now “Hayes tinted”. Here’s an example. I went to a For King of Country concert this past weekend. Before I left the house, I went into Hayes’ nursery and asked him to come with me because I know he’d love the music. When we sat down, I looked to the left and there was a boy who had a shirt on with the name Hayes scrolled across the back. Hayes always has a way of being there for me just when I need him the most. God never ceases to amaze me! We played Oceans, by Hillsong, every night we were in the hospital before we went to bed, so now, this is Hayes' song, and it always plays on the radio when I need to hear it the most.Those are the moments where I realize that Hayes is with me everywhere. I talk about Hayes all the time, because I’m his mommy and Cody is his daddy and he fought so hard from the word go. We're both so proud of him. We have made a conscience daily effort to continue to fight through our sadness and make our son proud in every way possible. We know he is watching every moment and this makes it a little easier to make that effort.

We continued to work on Hayes’ nursery once I came home from the hospital. That has been helpful to me. He deserved to have a beautiful room. I’m almost finished with it which makes me happy. I go into Hayes’ room every night and read him a nighttime story. It helps my heart. I talk out loud to him and constantly thank him for being my guardian angel because I know he is. I feel like he is right by Jesus' side while Jesus is writing pages in our book and saying, "Jesus, please bless my Mommy and Daddy." How lucky we are to have such an angel in Heaven.

 

I went to my first Bible Study about one month after losing Hayes. A sweet little lady came up to me after I had shared my story of why I needed prayers of strength, peace and comfort for both my husband and myself. She told me she lost her daughter on Christmas day 40 years ago. Her pain has never gone away, she thinks about her daughter every single day, but she has learned how to cope. And that was 40 years ago! We realize this is now a part of our new journey. We know we have to keep our eyes on God because he will give us the daily strength we will need to overcome. My hope is that by sharing our story, some other Mommy and Daddy will find peace and strength in their new journey if they have lost a beautiful child.

 

I feel like I have been called to write and continue a blog about this new journey that we are on. We may face set backs along the way, but we are going to keep fighting for our little boy who has gone to Heaven before us. We know we have to keep our eyes on God because he will give us the daily strength we will need to overcome.We know God will take these dark moments and spin them into something significant. My hope is that by keeping this updated, some other Mommy and Daddy will find peace and strength in their new journey if they have lost a beautiful child.

 

I don't remember a lot of things that were said on August 9th, but I do remember thinking and saying how perfect his little hands were. That is why I chose Hayes' Heavenly Hands as the name of this blog. I know in my heart that he is whispering in my ear, "Be strong, Mommy. We've got this and you and Daddy are going to be just fine."

-Ginny

 

When our eyes first met...